we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
