Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
