There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
