The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Blood and glitter go together right?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
