I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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