peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
