i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize