i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
