I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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