why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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