i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
