awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
