Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
