I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
