If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
