my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
