Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
