You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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