I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
