At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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