Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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