it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
