Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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