If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
