Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
