Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
