I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
