Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
foreskin is a definite game changer
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
