I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
