fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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