Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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