Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize