You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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