there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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