my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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