Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
It's just like the Real World with babies
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
