I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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