Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
