I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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