It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I FOUND THE LEGS
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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