It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
