At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
