im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
