my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
