saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
