Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
