the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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