he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
