I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I am naked and annoyed.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
