i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize