i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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