after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
