she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
