I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
