remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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