Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize