I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
