woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
