Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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