I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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