There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
